Don't you point that raygun at me.

Sorry for the long absence. I was in the midst of my pre-quarter hibernation. It was only a literal hibernation in the metaphorical sense. I did a lot of sleeping, but it was mostly spent simply avoiding everything possible that had anything at all to do with school. I holed up in my apartment. Played a lot of some stupid game. Read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in, like, three days. Which is pretty amazing, considering it's an 800-some page book. (A small digression into Harry Potter. I feel like the comparisons to great children's literature of old are somewhat hasty. I mean, it's a remarkable achievement, no doubt, but I don't think it rises to anything like the level of Lewis Carroll or C. S. Lewis. For one thing, besides the foreboding darkness, it's mostly a sort of action/mystery. Which is not to say that it's bad, it's just lacking in a lot of the ideas of, say, Carroll or Lewis. In addition, Rowling is at an advantage in creating her universe: she makes ready use of any and all available mythical creatures, but creatures that are already in the popular imagination - werewolves, vampires, wands, giants, ghosts, snakes, dwarves, centaurs, etc. (well, there are a few originals, like the thestrals, for example) - but for someone like Tolkein, who described the universe in an almost completely original way, I think the achievement is somewhat greater. Not that I'm saying I didn't dig Harry Potter, or anything. It's great. But I feel like people are jumping the gun a little in the overly favorable comparisons to other great children's works.)

I have a few observations from my hibernatory period.

1. Clothes are ugly.

Some very ugly. Some achieve a degree of ugliness that could only be the result of special effort. (Appy polly lodges, Douglas.) Not clothes in general, which are, of course, fully necessary and can be very attractive. I mean clothes that you might go, say, looking to buy in any number of the various clothes shoppes or haberdashers in your local outlet centre. Went shopping last weekend, and I would say the aesthetic percentages broke down like this:

50% - very ugly.
30% - ugly; unwearable.
10% - wearable; unattractive.
4% - wearable, attractive, unavailable sizes.
5% - wearable, attractive, too expensive.
1% - wearable, attractive, cheap.

That's 90% of men's clothes (I didn't much look at the women's, though I'd be surprised if it were much different) that were downright ugly. I mean, what are these people thinking! Is it the case that people buy these clothes? If so, who? And why have they not been shamed? In a clearance rack at Calvin Klein, I saw one, only one (meaning others were bought, pair of brown tartan wool pants. I mean, what?!?!? Who would wear such a thing? I mean, besides someone trying to go for ironic effects, but the entire men's clothing industry can't be built around people who want to get a cheap laugh. Ugly shirts. Ugly pants. Ugly ties. Ugly suits. Ugly shoes.

One of the problems might be that I've been described by more than one salesperson, and more than one acquaintance, as a "conservative dresser." Perhaps. But dang, if going unconservative means going ugly, which it obviously seems to, you can count me out, baby. (And, frankly, I don't think I'm a conservative dresser. I like certain color ranges because I'm colorblind, and I like to have things that mix and match well. So screw you, salesjerk!)

Anyway, all I could find was one moderately unhiddeous pair of pants. And a couple of pairs of boxer shorts on sale at the Gap for $1.99! WOOHOO!!

2. A couple of my favorite bits from the Kids in the Hall:

Buddy Cole: What are the odds? I can't believe it. Here I am, stranded on a desert island. And my only supplies are my favorite book - "All About Rhoda" by Peggy Hertz from Scholastic Press. And my favorite album - Johnny Mathis and Denise Williams: "That's What Friends Are For." I always like to have an ex-lover's music around; Denise is good, too. And, for companionship, the one and only Oscar Wilde. Oscar, say something funny.
Oscar Wilde: Shall I?
Buddy Cole: Yes, do your stuff. Do the "Wilde" thing.
Oscar Wilde: Well, Buddy, I recall as I laid dying in my death bed, I came out of my stupor momentarily and declared with perfect aplomb, "Either that wallpaper goes or I do!"
[laughs]
Buddy Cole: Oh, that was rich, Oscar! Oh, jeez, let me catch my breath for a second. Oh, oh, I am so glad that I brought you and not someone common.
Oscar Wilde: Message received, Buddy. You know, Buddy, the trouble with the common man...
Buddy Cole: Yes?
Oscar Wilde: ...is that he is so unbearably common!
[laughs]
Buddy Cole: Oh Oscar, funny, but you're such a snob.
Oscar Wilde: Oh, that's my charm.
Buddy Cole: Oh, oh, it's really too bad that you're dead.
Oscar Wilde: Oh, I know.
Buddy Cole: Does it bother you?
Oscar Wilde: Well, you know Buddy, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
[laughs]
Oscar Wilde: What? Philadelphia!
Buddy Cole: That's funny, but W.C. Fields said it.
Oscar Wilde: Well, yes, if you had been listening to me correctly, Buddy, what you would have heard me say was, "I may have been born yesterday but I still went shopping."
Buddy Cole: That was me.
Oscar Wilde: Oh, yes, yes.
[Coughs]
Oscar Wilde: Well, I seem to be getting a bit of laryngitis, Buddy. I'm afraid there'll be no more quipping today.
Buddy Cole: Oscar, please, stop with the laryngitis nonsense. You're pathetic. You would have never lasted on television. I'll bet what you really said on your death bed was something more like, "Shit!"

___

Sir Simon Milligan: Let me guess, this is... Jed?
Hecubus: No. No. This is Julio. AAAI-YI-YI-YIIIIIII.
Sir Simon Milligan: Now we're cooking with EVIL gas. Now Julio, how long have you been in the brain, may I ask?
Hecubus: I have... okay I can't take it - it's still Fred. I got you. I got you good. Hahaha.
Sir Simon Milligan: ...eeevil.