Got a face of stone and a ghostwritten biography.

I don't know why I bother.

All day long I try to convince people out here that Kansas really isn't this shit-ass backward hick state, that there are actually some pretty amazing cultural institutions, fabulous music and art scenes, etc. I try, mostly in vain to convince them that the countryside is actually quite beautiful, that it's not the drab, flat, uninteresting stretch of land that it's been portrayed as in miscellaneous popular (and not-so-popular) culture establishments. It's the received view that Kansas is a lame place. I've been fighting that trend, trying to give my home state a run for its money. There have been rocky times, of course. When I was leaving for Boston, the Kansas board of education banned the teaching of evolution. (Actually, they didn't ban the teaching of evolution, they mandated that students would not be tested on evolution, and beefed up the other subjects they would be tested on, leaving instructors no choice but to skip evolution altogether.) But I stuck by her. "Even the governor," I said, "rejects that decision and he's a flaming Republican!"

Then I learn today that Kansas has banned gay marriage.

I mean, that's not a huge surprise, after all. Most midwestern states have either banned it or are on their way toward banning it. I shouldn't be particularly surprised or disappointed. But I am. I feel like an abused wife who constantly sticks up for her husband who is genuinely loving and tender in spare, solitary moments, but who gets back to the business of beating her up just as she's defended him yet again. I just can't bring myself to leave. Every time I say, well, she's just hit me again. But we'll have more good times, I'm sure of it. I said that in November when every county in Kansas (besides Douglas County, incidentally, my home county) went for Bush.

I wonder if I'll ever just give up. I don't want to. I mean, I love Kansas. Really, deep down, I have a very strong connection to the area around which I grew up. But I just can't stand reading news articles all the time displaying, once and for all, that Kansas is the lame place I've been struggling to maintain that it isn't. The last time I was home, after all, I was at one time surrounded on the road by trucks, all of which had confederate flag vanity plates. I mean, in a FREE STATE! Kansas was a FREE STATE!

And it's not just that Kansas has banned gay marriage, it's that Kansas banned gay marriage by an overwhelming margin. It's as if all the residents of Kansas were hearded into an auditorium and someone asked if people liked chocolate. Apparently, it was that easy a decision. Chocolate, yes; oh, and by the way, let's dump gay marriage, too. Let's write it into our fucking constitution.

I miss my home town. I miss Lawrence. I wish my memories were of the good times, the music, the friends, the (truly) fantastically gorgeous scenery. It's breaking me up that my memories are slowly shifting from that to no gay marriage, no evolution, confederate flags.

There are glimmers of hope. Not only did Douglas County, my hometown, go for Kerry, it also was the only county in the state to reject the gay marriage ban. And I'm guessing that some rogue teachers kept teaching evolution in Lawrence High. Or maybe I'm just hoping.

I'll come back to you one more time, Kansas. I'll keep sticking up for you. But it's breaking my heart that I'm losing such faith so quickly.